Yellow

You’re yellow.
Your soul gives out a yellow aura.
Not the yellow that comes on too strong,
burns your eyes with passion,
and leaves traces of wild authority behind its egoless steps.
You’re the yellow that brushes past my skin,
and paints it gold,
the yellow they use to draw the stars that expel fascinating beauty.
You’re placid,
full of hope,
and heartwarming, calm energy.
You’re yellow.

Solitude is bliss.

You talk about my solitude like it’s some kind of disease,
Some kind of sin.
Like it turns me into a devil in disguise,
Like it consumes my brains,
And leaves me with an empty skull.
Your oblivion to the deep,
Raw love I have for my solitary,
Tears all the security I found in you away from me.
For you to weaken the only thing that gives me absolute solace –
That exploits my despair,
That follows me everywhere,
Just so I can find a sanctuary when you’re stoning my ribcage –
Is to abase my mind.
Abase my friends,
I do not care!
People drain me,
While my thoughts honour me.

To my future self.

Honey,
I know you see your shattered pieces all around the street,
I know no one is picking them up.
I know you think that your blood is too dirty to keep you alive,
That you’re losing your shine,
That you’re not loved,
That they are the whole universe and you’re just a crack in a window pane,
That you only bloom when they hold you.
I know you’re fragile as your veins are.
I know you think you want to throw your life away.
But I also know you always had a fascination for chaos,
You always picked up your own pieces instead of leaving them on the street.
I know you always loved the colour of your blood.
I know that you radiate a supernatural light;
I’ve seen it,
I still see it when you’re drinking your coffee on your balcony,
When you’re reading your book and smiling,
When you’re breathing slowly in hopes of finding your happy place,
When you’re hugging your blanket in hopes of shaking your anxiety away.
Even when you’re whimpering on the floor,
Honey, I see your shine.
I know that you’re your own universe,
And they’re just stars;
And we both know that stars die.
I know that you’re the one letting your soul travel into the depths of everything they never cared about,
That you’re feeding it with your unlimited thoughts,
That you’re building yourself.
I know that they’re your rainbows,
But you can not stop moving forward because it’s raining.
I know for sure you do not want to die,
You just want to live;
I was there when you sat on the edge of that old building, and your heart dropped.

Honey,
I know it’s past midnight,
And your routine is draining you.
But, there is always something waiting for you;
The abandoned house you never explored.
The narrow, old streets you never walked through,
The dusty bookstore you never visited,
The book you never read,
The poem you never wrote,
The peanut butter cake you never tried,
The flowers you never smelt,
The mountains you never saw,
There is always someone waiting for you;
The first guy that will kiss your lips,
Caress your silhouette,
Bite your fluffy cheeks,
Write you a sonnet,
Endure your bad habits,
Make love to your soul.
The person that will turn you smarter,
Make you wonder,
Change your beliefs.

Honey,
The world is waiting for you.
The universe is just waiting for the right time.
You cannot skip sadness,
And jump into happiness,
Because they balance life.

With love,
Your ‘before midnight’ self.

Home and strangers II

I write this while listening to a track I know you love.
It seems like writing about you is the only thing left of you.
I search my memory for details I’ve missed when I saw you.
But the only thing that goes through my mind is the comfort I found in you;

I cannot breathe because everyone is haling me.
Every breath feels like they’re sticking a dagger,
All through my smoky lungs.
I cannot tell them about my burdens;
Everyone is busing carrying their own baggage.
Everyone is used to my gloomy days–
It’s routine-ish.
But you looked at me like I’m made of gold.
You saw the sadness in me right when I smiled at you.
And you admired the way I turned it to art.

I found peace in you;
For some reason,
I do not mind opening my rusty wrinkled palms to you,
Because I know that you will carry my fears so gently,
I’ll fall in love with you.
But I do not know you.
I do not love you.
I am not lost in you.
But, I long to be, my dear.
I long to have my soul collided with yours.

Everyone I love is a stranger to my heart,
Every stranger in coffee shops is a home to my soul.

Three am realisation.

It’s three am.
My silent sobs are smothering me.
Everything seems so surreal;
The emotions,
The hate,
The blackness.
I’ve read your letter a billion times now,
But it still overwhelms me so fucking much.
I can’t breathe,
But I love you.
My feelings are mixed up,
And all I want to do is
Lay down next to you while watching my favourite movie,
Sit on the side of the pool and watch you float on your back,
With the most angelic smile on your heavenly face.
You’re so beautiful, dear.
Your soul is hauntingly charming.
Your aura feels like magic.
You’ve never hurt me.
You’ve always been the most caring,
Most loving.
Everyone breaks me, dear.
Everyone steps on my head,
While claiming they’re stepping on my demons.
No one really steps on anyone’s demons.
But it doesn’t matter when I’m with you,
Because through your voice,
I hear my angels.
You’ve been helping me grow my wings,
While everyone’s been trying to convince me that flying is fucking madness.
I am deeply so ashamed of throwing my heart to hungry wolves,
While you’ve been the one keeping them from sinking their teeth in it.
My head hurts.
I need coffee.

Fear and nostalgia.

I am tired of the pain eating my heart out;
It feeds on every dull molecule of dust that I inhale.
If I do not leave this place, love,
My chest will turn into a toxic kingdom,
Ruled by bitter venom,
And hostile demons.
I cannot lose my heart, love.
Not now, at least.
Someone once told me that I have a baby’s heart,
And I do believe I am pure.
I do believe I am capable of loving everything,
And everyone.
Even the big scar on my thigh,
And the reason behind it.

I don’t want the world to break me, love.
I don’t want to turn into a vulnerable black figure,
Sitting in the corner of her own wreckage.
I have mastered self-destruction for two years now.
But I do not love my desolation anymore.
It’s changing me, love.
I’m growing inhuman.
I’m watching the world rip my heart out.
I’m scared, love.
Take me home.
Take me where serenity lies,
Where oxygen is replaced with love.
Take me back to the day you smiled at me.

Home and strangers.

Tonight,
A wave of sadness hit me.
I don’t feel like home in my own house.
The walls I grew up in terrify me,
More than the walls I built around myself.
The slightest noise snaps a string in me,
And my heart falls between my feet.
I’m used to the negative energy,
The heartbreak,
The anger,
The breakdowns.
I’m used to death;
It has been chasing my family for three years.

I miss being away from my so-called home.
The fact that walking in a strange city,
Or talking to a stranger in a strange caffe,
Make me feel like I’m inhaling love,
And exhaling peace,
Must make me a selfish,
Ungrateful maniac in the eyes of my family.
Do not get me wrong,
I love them with everything I have,
I owe them my life.
But I can’t help missing all those beautiful souls,
The ones that do not exist in this dull town.
I can’t help dreaming of bare hearts,
The ones that experienced true love.
I can’t help searching for their queer minds,
The ones that see the flowers my cracks have raised.
I do not belong where I am,
Where I’m not listened to,
Where I’m just a lazy person.
I am lunar,
But it’ll take them years to see that,
Because I came out a bit too peculiar.
My house is not my home,
Strangers with bright spirits and books are.

Tranquility after sorrow.

For months,
I have felt the emptiness eating my chest,
Till I was physically pained.
Night has always been a giant,
But the times I’ve spent heaving through corrupted lungs,
Listening to my heart quiver,
Wishing I had the guts to pull the trigger,
Were especially terrible.
My life was one big chaos of shadows,
drawing me in as the sky turned darker.
I do not know why grief was present in every sulky corner of my solitude,
And togetherness.
All I know is that it summoned me,
Until I learned how to wade a whole sea of it.

But it all melted away that day,
When I saw your soul hanging on your words.
Something about your whole existence mesmerises me,
Boggles my mind,
Tranquilises my fears.
It is not love I feel for you;
I do not crave owning your life,
Holding your hand,
Nor kissing your cherry-wined lips.
All I crave is discovering your thoughts.
I am hungry for your mind.
Hand it to me raw,
Let me undress it;
Layer after layer,
Until I follow the blood rushing from your brains,
To your heart.
I do not feel the need to kiss your pure heart,
But it would be a privilege to bear your secret scars,
To carry your burdens,
To embrace your fears.
I’d like to dissect every bit of your soul.

Here’s something you should know:
I never liked flowers,
Until now.

My universe.

Beirut,
I do not want to leave your narrow streets,
Your dungy corners,
Nor your crowded stores.

I’ve always longed to meet beautiful souls,
And I met one in one of your calm coffeehouses.
I discovered serenity while sitting on your wretched chair under the willow,
While observing two lovers taking a walk as if the ground was made of love,
While listening to old music and drinking your huggable coffee,
While visiting your dusty bookstores,
While listening to that stranger’s stories.
I found peace of mind when he shared his aspirations with me,
When he listened to my thoughts and smiled at them,
When he locked his eyes with mine.
Oh, Beirut!
His hazel green eyes!
They radiate hope.
They feel like home.
You feel like home.
Beirut,
My universe has died long time ago,
But it reincarnated the moment he observed my soul.
You embody my universe now.
So play your cards,
And give me a taste of his mind again,
For it is everything I’ve ever craved.

Cruel love.

Love me;
I say this with complete authority, and zero vulnerability.
Love me, so you can experience the way I use my sorrow as fuel to your happiness,
So you can taste how sweet my bitter soul is,
So you can admire chaos in the middle of a serene forest,
So you can live under the dark side of the moon while waiting for its pale light,
So you can observe my infected veins while I tell you to stay quite,
So you can learn my bad habits;
Sweetheart, drink black coffee with me,
Smoke a cigarette with me,
Sleep three hours a day,
Pretend that you know it all,
Sweetheart, hold me tight as I cut my skin open,
Close your eyes as you drive,
Yell at your friends for trying to cheer you up,
Cry your burdens out instead of handling them.
Sweetheart, inject my venom in your system.
Oh how I’d kill to slit your chest open,
Rip your heart out,
Stitch it in my ribcage,
And leave my own heart out on the road.
Sweetheart, love me, so you can enjoy my cruelty.